and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
tell me about the eggs
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
