my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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