I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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