My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
