I will die if light touches me.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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