Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
