she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
