Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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