I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
