I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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