I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
