i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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