Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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