I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
