just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
