Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
