She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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