My Higher Power is John Stamos
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
