Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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