im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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