At least make sure they are 18
Why
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
