Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
