Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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