the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
