The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
