When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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