I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
