Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
