you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
