I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
