My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you still have your period?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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