what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
