3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
