jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
