Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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