I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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