going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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