you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
