I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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