Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
