he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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