I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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