Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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