you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
