I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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