upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
