My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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