Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
