I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
