Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
